The Veracity of Chaos~ I’m not one who thrives in chaos, but the truth of chaos is that when it does it occur in my life it causes me to consider actions or often to take action in my life, more so to make decisions and although sometimes those actions reflect certainty, uncertainty and often poignant changes that affect not just me, but others as well.
It will no doubt be no surprise to some who are very close to me, and those it astonishes well… ‘where have you been?’ Would be my response, but not in the vein of contempt, simply irony. When I turned 50 I looked at my life as half over, or in the sense of something more tangible and like the proverbial glass of water~ half empty. What had I done with my youth, my in-between years and where did I hope to be in ‘old age’?
I attempted to discuss it with my spouse, and well…I learned that perhaps we were not on the same page, the same planet, and perhaps we were not really going down the same path…and while all the chaos over the last couple of years loomed and circulated in our life, we put those discussions on hold or I was simply speaking to the wall. A wall that had always been there, a wall that occasionally nodded with the seemingly contrived similar vision I held; only to finally open up and remind me that I was dreaming and on my own in that dream. This isn’t something new for me, as in the entire 23 years it was a constant measure of what my spouse and I had in common~ or didn’t have.
Always agreeable, always nodding, and yet, simply acquiescent in word and never detail or fruition of those ideals, dreams and thoughts; and never offering a compromise, only an absolute~ ‘and that absolute was non-spoken and only reflected what he wanted and never considered my ‘point of view’. To prevent sounding too harsh, too condescending, I will validate that we did share many commonalities with regard to the general way of life, but in planning goals based on dreams of leisure…not. As time would go on, I would realize that I was only speaking to a wall and one of unyielding proportions and that while he passively listened, and gave every impression we were in agreement, that was certainly not the case. Again, I remind you I view that my life is ‘half over’ and while I did not meet all my goals I set forth, I realize some were never meant to be met~ but I’d have loved the Trying.
Given the opportunity, to venture and attempt to allocate all I’d sacrificed in the wanting of a child and family…I granted myself the opportunities to travel, and although alone and sometimes at the expense of seeing a ‘raised eyebrow’ or two…I sensed that perhaps in time, the bug would hit my spouse too and he’d venture with me. However, that would happen once while on a cruise and then flicker and not be seen again. It was then I realized that he too often, saw the world as totally something different than I do. He’s more a realist, than I. That I will admit…but, then I have my sparks of realism, too.
I tend to view the world as something to be lived in the moment, and he sees it as a course of rote and routine. I see that manner of living as stagnate and boring. Simply put. I also like to talk about more than politics [something I feel I have no more control over than life itself~ sure I can vote, but it seems to make no difference in who is in power…life relatively remains unchanged other than prices, services and those impoverished continue to increase], as far as television, I don’t set my sights on becoming glued to it much anymore, hikes and walks…I’d consider them if the path weren’t always the same and the ideal only the locale we are always in. Again, I’m not set on stagnation… therein is the dilemma. Complacency mixed with only dreaming of ‘what would have been…’ or going out and meeting the path head-on and realizing them or failing on my own. I’ve chosen the latter. Perhaps, to others this seems unreal, daunting, selfish, but for me…it is survival and the pursuit of happiness.
If you aren’t following, then I’ll spell it out, after nearly 23 years, Joe and I are going to separate and go are own ways. His~ the course he has always been on…one that is rooted here, and me~ I’ve decided to move on, and attempt to do what I wished I’d done anyway….that doesn’t mean I dislike or no longer love him or my son, grand-daughter or daughter-in-law. In fact, I do…but my happiness is an uncertainty if I don’t attempt this…and theirs hangs in the balance too. Because of the veracity of chaos, the reality of indecision, and the eventual sacrifice I feel forced to make.
As I see it there are only sacrifices in life. Those we impose upon ourselves and those that are nothing more than the fallout of decisions we make in life. The latter of these sacrifices are simply side effects of decisions and are usually short lived in the sadness they bring and easily understood as fleeting. Those sacrifices we impose upon ourselves instead of realizing our goals and dreams are the sacrifices that cause destruction of spirit to oneself as well as those around you. I plan to meet mine and in the bargain accept the sacrifice and hope for the best.
Another seemingly incidental and perhaps to my family trivial as they regard this as ‘me setting my standards too high’ is that I cannot stand clutter and especially insurmountable clutter and disarray…that to me is the veracity of chaos. And without their help to minimize it grows and in its wake all I see is the mountain of clutter and the time taken away from me to chase other things. To them it is routine…and thus, dilemma.
I’m also solitary in nature, a loner and sometimes only want to be with myself without all the bravado of discussing again politics, who won a football game, and will Nebraska meet the challenge. None of that matters in the broad sense of life in general…it is obsolete, but an expected interest within this family unit. So, again, interests wane and dilemma looms when I attempt to interject something new into the mix only to be met with ‘how does that matter in the complexity of political campaigns, life and football campaigns?’ It doesn’t…and so, I go away with the sense I don’t matter, but in reality and my steadfast confidence, know that I do.
First and foremost, I am for the first time in my life not unhappy and especially with the decision I finally made…I sense the unhappiness or perhaps the after-shock, but in time realize it will become commonplace and mostly routine for all of you…I have the sensation of the weight of indecision and the weight of the veracity of chaos now lifting from my chest and shoulders…I see the path clearly and believe that in time, my absence will make your hearts grow fonder…
And, perhaps cause you to understand me more…and,
As well…perhaps I’ll grow to understand you…
And love you all the more…
[I want to view the glass as ‘half full’ again…and sense my life may once again begin…if not anew, in a new direction… and with all the ideals of what I once held in youth…]