First Post of the New Year & Onward~

 photo cooltext897784955_zps16a1c9ba.png My Comeback to the world of blogging and perhaps, the land of the living. I’ve been gone too long~

I could wax on and on about the trials I faced in 2012, but WHY? The tribulations were necessary, I guess and thus a learning curve. LIFE in essence is a learning curve, and the experiences are but perception and illusion on many occasions. It is not where we have been, but how we perceive the chaos or the calm; and more so how we struggle and cope; and even more, how we conquer and learn from those experiences that matters in the end. It is like ‘hating’ math and yet you know you have to take the math test; fail or succeed~you move on. Same difference. Hint: I hate math, never do well, and yet I can add and subtract, multiply and divide to get through the existence of every day life. Although, I’m not a rocket scientist when it comes to math. So what! I am able to GIVE in other ways toward the furthering of humanity or others.

The end of 2011, I was on top of the world, and had finally made the venture from where I was to where I am today; I thought I was invincible, but would soon be reminded just how freaking mortal I was. Whoops! And now, alone and only a cell phone to link me with my closest friends and family. Oh boy! I struggled through and won the battle, and that really is all that matters in the end; when all is said and done. But, while in the battle, I thought and sometimes hoped I would not succeed. That reminder of that insult and assault to my life in the end of 2011, would lend itself and lead me into 2012 and become my biggest obstacle to success in any endeavor; UNTIL~

Brony Documentary? Discord? The somehow virtual canonization and sainthood of Bronies caught my attention. Are you kidding? Seriously? And John de Lancie, our omnipotent being from Star Trek leading the crusade. Has he lost his mind? And, what of Star Trek fans who adore him? It was unbelievable? Or was it insight that only a forward thinking persona like John de Lancie could consider. Those of us who had been hurt and traumatized by the 4Chan couldn’t see the forest for the trees. As an elitist Role-Player online, I was one of them. (although that was hardly the cataclysmic event in my life). Wanting and desiring to know how this was to unfold became a much needed distraction to what truly plagued me. I wanted to live and see this through. I actually had something that was fantastic to live for; and it gave new meaning to all the minutia in my life. I began to work harder on my obstacles and thusly began to live again. Then I could truly open my mind, heart and ears and HEAR the message. The message would bring about a change~a paradigm to how I looked at my own personal situations, and I could unravel the troubles and move on.

A long-time role-player of Star Trek, I THOUGHT I knew what Brony meant. The words despicable, crazy, gutter-snipe, 4Chan, college kids with no lives and money, and loathesome men who love MLP came to mind, and with all the interest of watching lions rip them apart in the coliseum; which is what most of US wanted. They took up virtual space and perverted a little girls show to the point of nausea. They littered Twitter with arguments of why this was OKAY, and WHO are WE HURTING? Cried and through tantrums due to persecution from each other, gamers other role-players; it was endless. Now they were invading the sanctum of Star Trek and “Q” was leading the cause and even more comparing Trekkies to this band of Tawdriness. What was happening in the world today that would bring an intelligent actor to this act of sensationalism? Most importantly, how was what was happening in the world today; that is, what affected me to just want to give up? That was my question for myself and I found my answer.

Apathy invades the reality of our world today. People in general do not give a shit about their fellow man, their neighbors or the plight of those that suffer to high crime, high gas prices, high inflation, and steady decline of our morality in this country; and that most of us know we are NOT, but in essence are just an island among many with no adjoining currents to the other. Oh a sweet, reflective analogy, but the truth. Oh yes, we certainly on occasion speak of it; whispering our thoughts, but never giving any virtue to a compromise or that we actually CARE. In general, the media continues the apathy by delighting in reporting minutia and keeping the sense of altruism at an all time low. We, as the PEOPLE, have drawn lines in the sand and we have become so accustomed to only our own gray matter views; that we don’t even notice the sparkly colored views of a paradigm. We don’t look at the world in the way we did as children and ask, “WHY?” Because we non-Bronies and mostly, CONSERVATIVES assume someone else will fix it and then we forget about it, and all in the manner of the way we forget what we had for lunch. We are an apathetic bunch of assholes who live our lives without Harmony, Magic, or even the remote hunger for such. But, Bronies~ and perhaps NOT those who dabble in R34 and GrimDark [but perhaps, given a chance, they do from time to time] ~Bronies, DO seem to look FORWARD. They see the world a little shinier, a little sparklier and because they hear a message in a little Girls show that tells these men, venture on and be good to one another; Love and Tolerate the shit out of others, life and it will get better. Wow? And, they go a few steps forward and step into generosity like no other group of savages in our society, they GIVE and give to the community, et al, without so much thought of themselves. And, all because of a message in a show about colorful ponies that was created by Lauren Faust to interpret the awkwardness of friendship and guide little girls through the mayhem. Unbelievable?

I was in awe in some ways now, because I had never seen this side of Bronies on the internet. Fluttershy became my pony of interest. She is like me in some ways, maybe not as smart, but she is shy like I am. I began to research them even more, and, only because I could not fathom the intellectual downsize in an actor I much thought was brilliant. I have to say, he still is as brilliant as the character, Discord he played on MLP; and perhaps, even a tad Omnipotent as Q, and as himself, even more so, because he SAW that Bronies aren’t what I thought initially. They are in essence Brainiac’s like myself and like me~ and others I know, who still must be convinced.Their fandom is real and their altruism for society is more advanced than most other fandoms.

Bronies are composed of Moderate Thinkers, Creative Types and mostly Brainy Hipsters or Brainiac’s~We THINK too much; but for the GOOD of society and like Trekkies want to see the same Utopia in the future. Who would have thought? And perhaps, that is the altruism that set the world on its axis in the fictional account of Star Trek. Who knows? All I know is that when you hear and see the message, it causes a burst of warmth and sets about a transition in your being you can’t ignore.

In conclusion, I would have allowed myself to drown in self-pity and denial if it had not been for this and much more the last 8 months~ I looked FORWARD to something and I learned to push forward myself into situations I normally would shy away from~ I became more LIBERAL in my views. And, I felt the conditions I placed on myself just drift away and I learned how to live again.

And, by end of 2012 I found my life returning to the upswing that it once had been on, and my attitude was to LOVE and TOLERATE the shit out of naysayers and continue pushing FORWARD despite what seemed a long and dark tunnel. I of course, left the tunnel on my own volition, but I never would have if it weren’t for the message I heard loud and clear.

Thank you Bronies, creators and writers of MLP:FIM, and mostly the creators of BronyDoc, LLC. I contributed to their effort and mostly because I never believed it would surpass my initial view of Bronies, but BOY was I made wrong. A Special Thanks to my fellow role-players who probably secretly thought I had lost my mind. I did but I found it again. Much love to you all.

Buy the video; it just might change your outlook on life and where you fit into the paradigm.

All I can ADD as I wade into 2013 is: Love & Tolerate!/Live Long & Prosper! So far, I’m on Cloud Nine and I intend to stay there.


January, 2011~

It seems eons since I last posted here, although I did in November of 2010…

A lot has transpired since June of 2010 and if you have went beyond the home page you’ll note my travels. I do have one more to post, but much photo editing to do before that happens. Needless to say, that I have said good bye to the very turbulent year of 2010 and a big HELLO to 2011.

My mother’s death was not a surprise, nor was her illness. She had smoked for over 40 years; but, the surprise was her unwillingness to fight it or attempt to concede to possibly living within the confines of palliative and managing in that vein. She stopped eating, stopped living and simply called it quits. Although, rationally and with the help of much counseling from the hospice nurses, chaplains I now understand, that is how some cope. Cleaning out her cabinets, closets, drawers and finding what is left behind is sometimes sad, mostly puzzling and a continued surprise for me.

What she kept all these years amazes me, notes, cards, letters, calendars, etcetera. Any little bow or box that one of us sent her. Going through her jewelry, I find things I remember her wearing as a child, but then once my dad passed~ never seeing and wondering where it went; and finding it now in a box, marked cleverly, “Mementos from Bob”. She really missed him and for 17 years must have pined for him in ways I can only imagine. Other surprises are that during her illness, medications seemed to come up missing from her ordered meds and we’d wonder and assume they were either not filled or delivered; but, they were. They were hidden in socks and other odd places. From herself or us, her caregivers. I don’t understand that behavior as they were medications that would have lessened the symptoms or the effects of the treatment; but of course, they would not have cured. I guess, I’ll never know. But, once we would go to reorder, she always said “no”.

Looking back, it was hard to let her give in, but it is what she wanted. She’s with dad now…and I hope happier.

On another note, 2010 brought me my first joy or so society heralds as one of the JOYS of growing older. Notice I didn’t say growing old; as I don’t believe we grow old we grow older and we continue to live our lives to the fullest as able. But, my son and his now wife, gave us the biggest Christmas present he’s ever given. A beautiful little grand-daughter. She was born on the cusp of the New Year. All seven pounds, thirteen ounces of little girl; sugar and spice and as sweet and demure as they get. She is dark-haired and well we have our fingers crossed ‘blue eyes’ like her dad and the most beautiful olive complexion her mother offered her. Can you imagine ‘knock out’? We can and well we may have to hire security when she is 16. We’ll see.

So, this is why I was away for so long, managing life and death in the same month and with such support and love from many…I wish I knew how to thank you all. I guess this is the only way I can. Thank you for always being a part of my life…

Oh…and HELLO, 2011~ Ready to rock? I am, let’s get the party started.

RESOLUTION’s are made to be broken…but with all good intentions attempted:

1. Bestow kindness to everyone, whether they deserve it or not.

2. Minimize the attitude, “that it’s a bad day”; I’ve gotten too used to that excuse.

3. Stay on task in whatever I’m doing, work, play, every day stuff…anything I do. Basically, stop procrastinating.

4. Never stop dreaming. Give in to my inner child at least once a month, because it will help with the above resolutions.

5. Watch the spending…awwww, this one will be hard. But, I’m always broke on rainy days.

6. Indulge myself and my family as much as possible; especially, the grand-baby!

7. And, above all, attempt to watch at least one football game with hubby without bitching!

With that said, and seven being as lucky and common a number as ever…Wish me Luck! I’m gonna need it!

An Ode to Farmville…[serious read]

The Erikson life-stage virtues, in the order of the stages in which they may be acquired, are:

  1. Hope – Basic Trust vs. Mistrust – Infant stage. Does the child believe its caregivers to be reliable?
  2. Will – Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt – Toddler stage. Child needs to learn to explore the world. Bad if the parent is too smothering or completely neglectful.
  3. Purpose – Initiative vs. Guilt – Kindergarten – Can the child plan or do things on his own, such as dress him or herself. If “guilty” about making his or her own choices, the child will not function well. Erikson has a positive outlook on this stage, saying that most guilt is quickly compensated by a sense of accomplishment.
  4. Competence – Industry vs. Inferiority – Around age 6 to puberty. Child comparing self worth to others (such as in a classroom environment). Child can recognize major disparities in personal abilities relative to other children. Erikson places some emphasis on the teacher, who should ensure that children do not feel inferior.
  5. Fidelity – Identity vs. Role Confusion – Teenager. Questioning of self. Who am I, how do I fit in? Where am I going in life? Erikson believes that if the parents allow the child to explore, they will conclude their own identity. However, if the parents continually push him/her to conform to their views, the teen will face identity confusion.
  6. Love (in intimate relationships, work and family) – Intimacy vs. Isolation – Young adult. Who do I want to be with or date, what am I going to do with my life? Will I settle down? This stage has begun to last longer as young adults choose to stay in school and not settle.
  7. Caring – Generativity vs. Stagnation – the Mid-life crisis. Measure accomplishments/failures. Am I satisfied or not? The need to assist the younger generation. Stagnation is the feeling of not having done anything to help the next generation.
  8. Wisdom – Ego Integrity vs. Despair – old age. Some handle death well. Some can be bitter, unhappy, and/or dissatisfied with what they have accomplished or failed to accomplish within their life time. They reflect on the past, and either conclude at satisfaction or despair.

I haven’t pondered the above since I was in nursing school, and perhaps I really didn’t even ponder it then…I simply stored it for sometime later in life or it became a comforting mantra in the delicate and intricate thinking process of every day decision-making and mostly related to my career choice. But, recently, I began to find it actually popping up in light hearted conversation and I researched it again, but this time in order to soul-search.  For those of you who do not know who or what this is about, a brief introduction; Erik Erikson was a psychologist and for all intrinsic purposes and lack of detail here he was around during the time of Freud or thereafter. He postulated that there are eight stages in which we all go through as we work our way through life and develop into the person we are seen as or for the most part~ ‘what is our personality’ and our outlook and relation to life as it were.

When I looked again at this list I realized that I am now at Stage 7. It seems like yesterday, I was barely out of Stage 5 and into Stage 6 and well…I wonder where the time went? And, it now dawns on me that is exactly what Stage 7 is talking about. Interestingly enough the truism is that I truly do wish to leave a legacy or offer a virtuous attempt to connect with the generation sidling up behind mine. To leave some bit of wisdom and those that I have met and have offered any constructive advice have for the most part been accepting. Using the old adage and I hate this phrase with a passion, even once swore I’d never use it…but, When I was your age… I felt just like you and often found myself asking. What is the point? Where am I going and will Social Security still be there when I want to retire or am forced to admit I’m old.

Of course, I jest as to the specifics of what perhaps I was really conjuring in my thoughts then; but suffice to know; the reality of my thoughts more than likely ran along these lines, and were perpendicular to the norm~ very loud, raucous music, something Freud would certainly have been proud to know I thought about, and whether the substance being offered guaranteed I’d feel good and perhaps hallucinate. I state this simply to equate the baseline logistics of today’s younger generation and acquaint you to the fact, that we are not that much different in our scope of where we were and where you are now. Quite simply, Been there; Done that! The facts, however, is that at some point the minutia of living your life begins to take shape, substance and it just carries you along from stage to stage and then you are faced with or it simply dawns upon you~ Again, those infernal questions of your youth, but now you are holding a clock…

And…you reach for what comforted you most in your youth~ All those things you took for granted would always be there: your favorite pillow, the baby blanket now tattered and torn, chicken noodle or tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwich on the side, a favorite book, television series, a collection, toy, or past-time, ergo~ anything to remind and allow you to passively delve back into your past, or simply to allow you a moment without hearing the dastardly ticking.

I recently found my profound time machine, my link to the past, the effortless paradigm that creates a sudden shift from my careening toward Stage 8 and snapping serenely back to Stage 4. The most simple and less complex time perhaps of my life. I was just doing, and had no worries, no fears and life was grand. Interestingly enough I categorically denied the idea for so long, citing how silly, how quaint, how utterly time-wasting that could be… but I was wrong.

…seems Farmville is more about a return to the simplistic realm of being part of life itself…Think about it and then I’ll reveal why this is integral to me as a person. My closest family members will no doubt know…

…you plant crops and invite neighbors to assist you…Try that in real life nowadays, and you are met with indifference and an odd smile. It just don’t happen. We have charitable organizations who once they remove the cream of the crop for themselves and justify it with ‘operating costs’; they pass the meager dregs onto the needy and then scream they need more. But concentrate simply upon planting crops and tending livestock for a moment and hearken to what that means to the common good of humanity, the caring spirit that looms within all of us as caretakers of the earth; a profound state of what  is essentially human nature.

The Farmer’s Market…evidently more lucrative and worthwhile than the open market, stock market or world market…as even in reality, Farmer’s Markets present wholesome, nutritious and variety often not apparent or reachable by other markets who define their worth by selling to the highest bidders. The Farmville experience allows one the virtual sense that all is honorable and right within a fair trade and barter system, all the while we know differently in our current world recession; hence, the sense and frolic that things are right within our life, economically.

Where am I going…with all of this? While we pass from stage to stage as Erikson suggests, we manage to take from each stage that which is most comforting to us and we hang onto that as we embark toward destiny. The path is neither a straight and narrow line, nor is it the same path for everyone…but one constant remains…we long for keeping things in our life simple, easy and worthwhile.  And, I began that lesson and learning process long ago…when my favorite toy it seems was a ‘farm set’. Not Barbies, or Lincoln Logs, or the ever popular Light Bright, or even the Etcha-Sketch and Slinky, although those have paramount moments too.

So…in summation, to the youth of this world that seems to change overnight and bring on more and more technological advancements that mire and obscure the vision that life is actually quite simple in design…when it seems, there is no real end to your struggle and worries…think back to the more simplistic times in your life…it’s okay. You’ll find your answers there.